A King Kong Kind of Fear
As I prepare for the mornings event, dread takes over my movements so they are slow and deliberate as if I can slow down time with slow motion. Fear grips my body like King Kong gripped Faye Wray or Naomi Watts in the King Kong Movies. I want to squirm and squeal and be anywhere but where I need to go.
I am going to the dentist to have three crowns done for a mouth that has more silver than my grandparent’s tea set. There is so much silver that just replacing the silver would not leave enough of each tooth. Three crowns will be done in one dental visit and while they promise to make it as pain free as possible, the anticipation of what could be is growing exponentially as I dress for what feels like a massacre. Maybe it’s because now that I am on blood thinners I can no longer take Advil of Diclofenac which is my go-to medicine for pain; which leads me to consider taking Xanax before going because while I’ll still feel pain, I won’t care. But I worry that I will cause an accident on the way there. The thought crosses my mind that that would be one way of getting out of this particular calendar event. OMG! Did I really think that? Besides, I have no Xanax as I have never taken Xanax before. I do however; have an essential oil blend that professes to help aid in relaxation during stress. They say it takes 15-20 minutes to see the difference and I calculate the time I will need to get to the dentist. I grab the roll on and rub it on my wrists and back of neck and consider removing my sneakers to rub it on my feet, but it would take too long and I’d be late for the appointment – another delaying tactic. I put the bottle in my purse as the directions state that I can apply it as needed. I think I’ll need the whole bottle.
It is then I realize that I am nothing more than a coward, a charlatan and a sham. I write a blog that professes to help others cope with medical adversity. Having survived a lumpectomy, open heart surgery, two hip replacements, and a hysterectomy yet three dental crowns has me reduced to a puddle of mud. I am ashamed.
I get to the dental office and am told that the dental assistant that is also my friend will not be assisting as her husband was rushed to the hospital because he keeps passing out. Oh, My! I think about rescheduling but realize my fear pales in comparison to what they must be feeling. As the dentist numbs my mouth in preparation for the excavation, I begin to pray for her husband’s healing, for the doctors to have the wisdom and discernment to diagnosed the issue and bring it to resolution. My mind has gone into prayer mode and before I know it, my mouth begins to tingle and feel the size of King Kong’s. I didn’t even have a chance to anticipate.
As I lay waiting for the full effects of the numbing to take place, I begin to pray for my cousin who in a few hours will have a drain placed in her back to remove the fluid buildup her cancer is creating within the pleural cavity of her lung. Something she has had to have done before and dreads more than my dental excavation. I pray it goes smoothly, that it helps, that she can cope with the weekly draining, and she finds a place of peace within all of this mayhem.
My trip to the dentist for three crowns seems to diminish is size. King Kong fear is now the size of a Capuchin monkey.
And yet, God does not see size. All things are important to Him who loves us. God does not see the difference between one sin and another. Sin is sin. God does not see one tragedy as being more than another. He suffers with each of us. God does not love one of his children more than another. God loves each of us equally. And God is with each of us whether it’s beside a husband and wife waiting for a diagnosis, or a woman facing another operation, or even one getting silver removed from a cavernous mouth. No matter how large or small, God never fails us.
I am reminded once again, (a-hem, when will I ever learn?) that no matter how much we have faced in our lives, that fear of the unknown or even the known will be present. The size of the problem matters not. Only the fear and how you handle it. We can Fear Everything and Run (F.E.A.R.) or Face Everything and Rise (F.E.A.R.). The choice is ours. I learned that while it’s okay to be afraid, it helps to know we are not alone in experiencing fears. I am reminded that when we take our minds off of ourselves and place it on those around us, we find a respite from our own fears and problems.
In sharing and baring my fears to you I hope that I have made a difference. That perhaps there is a nugget of silver you can hold onto when faced with a fear. You are not alone. No matter how much you have experienced there will always be something that makes you squeals and squirm and reduces you to a pool of mud. It is what we ultimately do with fear that makes us survivors. The events that cause us fear are there to remind us that with God, we can surmount this, with God, this, too shall give way to a better time, a better place and that with God, all things are possible.
“He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”” Mark 4:40 NIV