A Cave Man’s Story

In times of stress, I always try to find the funny.  Its a prescription I use repeatedly in surviving medical adversity.  I thought we could all use a little levity at a time like this.

This is the story of Big Papa Cave Man and Mama Cave Woman during the great Invisible Monster Mayhem that threatened the land.

It’s was the Stone Age and every day they foraged for supplies.  But times were difficult and the great Monster Mayhem was killing large groups of people.  Many in their group have organized so that the oldest among them go out at first light to gather what is needed.  But day after day, what is found is not what is needed.

What Big Papa Cave Man needed was of the most personal nature, uh, you know, that which to cleanse oneself after relieving oneself – “Butt Wipers”.  Mama Cave Woman was becoming more like the big grizzly bear he fought off and slayed when he mistakenly disrupted the bear’s winter nap in a cave that Big Papa Cave Man was exploring for food.  He was young then, and fearless, but now he was too old to fight off Mama Bear, I mean, Mama Cave Woman when she was in this state.

He had to find provisions for her soon.

But alas, there was no Butt Wipers to be found anywhere near their Mud Hut.

Being the “hut manager”, Mama Cave Woman was beginning to look at what leaves outside their mud hut would suffice without leaving too much of a mark or what further sickness might befall them should they have to use them.

Yes, Mama Cave Woman was cranky.  Portioning out her “Butt Cleaner” was never a strong ability for her and while washing hands was even more important today; it was made even more desperate with the little she had to use at each sitting.

Mama Cave Woman was too exhausted from worry and rationing to set out with her man.  The more they looked the more chances they took at being enveloped by the Invisible Monster that had been ravaging their land.  But Big Papa Cave Man was stoic, yet fearlessly determined to bring home to his woman what she needed most.

So on this morning, before the big yellow ball in the sky rose, Big Papa Cave Man took his large sac of “java mud” and set out to sit in the vast land in front of the cave where many animals hide their finds and other cavemen set out to capture their provisions.

While he was gone, Mama Cave Woman paced in her mud hut and waited for possible “smoke signals”.  Would he be trampled by bigger, stronger cavemen?  Would he get what they needed or would he come home with some peace offering of a hen, a chicken or goat’s milk?  And would he make it home safely back to their mud hut without meeting the Invisible Monster?

Brave Big Papa Caveman sent up smoke signals (text): “I am second in line to enter Big Cave”.  And then, “Big cave men say they have some Butt Cleaner but no Nose Cleaner”.  Mama sent up thanks and praised to the Father of all cave men for she could live without Nose Cleaner but –

When Big Papa Cave Man came home Mama Cave Woman gave Big Papa Cave Man such a big hug that a fire could have started right there in the mud hut!  He not only had Butt Cleaners” (toilet paper) but special cleaner for her rock tables (Lysol) and hands (Hand Sanitizer).

Mama Cave woman felt lucky and blessed.  Papa Caveman felt lucky and blessed.

If Mama Cave Woman has butt cleaner, Mama Cave Woman is happy.  If Mama Cave Women is happy; then Papa Cave Man happy.

And Lucky.


Want more stories like this?  Check out my book – Surviving Medical Mayhem – Laughing When It Hurts.  To order a copy or learn more go to my website at www.lorettaschoen.com

Blessings for Health & Wellness.




Comments (4)

  1. Still laughing

    March 28, 2020 at 9:11 am
  2. […] What is truly important. I have learned what is a true need verses a desire or want.  I personally need food, family/friends, toilet paper, water and air conditioning (I live in Florida).  Emphasis on the toilet paper. Check out my blog where I discover just what is and is not important   https://www.lorettaschoen.com/2020/general/28926/a-cave-mans-story/ […]

    May 22, 2020 at 5:13 am
  3. Thanks. I am still laughing at myself! Stay healthy and safe.

    May 22, 2020 at 6:40 am
  4. […] I was in a panic as I rationed my toilet paper and dreamed of a bidet.  Check out my blog at  https://www.lorettaschoen.com/2020/general/28926/a-cave-mans-story/ for the gory […]

    October 9, 2020 at 4:35 am

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